he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
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Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
