hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
