Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
