matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
