my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
