Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
