the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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