Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
