Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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