Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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