Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
