she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm both gender and math confused
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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