if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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