her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
