I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
