so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
