when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
