You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I faked an abortion last night.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
