apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
