onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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