i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
