Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
