please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
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I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
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Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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