Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
