they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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