Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
