Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
They took my balls.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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