I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
