maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
