I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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