Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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