i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
