Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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