Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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