Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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