Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
