I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you didnt know i had herpes?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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