FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
