Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
