Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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