apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
