we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
where are you?
Hypothermia
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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