You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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