just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
