if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
