I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
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You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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