Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize