I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
