The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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