you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
