Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
