Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
How does one acquire holy water?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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