I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
