i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
