apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
