Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
