I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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