didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
