hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
