the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
